Many people, including children, often beat themselves up (figuratively) for mistakes. We want to help our children learn not to do so.
The first step is to examine ourselves: do we beat ourselves up for our mistakes? If we do, you can be sure our children have seen us do this. These kinds of things are “caught,” even if they’re not “taught.” And if you’re someone who does this, then I encourage you to go right now and read my post about that, and then come back and finish reading this.
The second step is to think about how you react to their mistakes. If you make a big deal about them – verbally, or heave a noticeable sigh, or show disappointment and frustration on your face, then you’re showing your child that their mistakes are a big deal. Again, you have work to do on yourself. Try to realize that the mistakes your child makes are not the end of the world but are rather learning opportunities. Children who are afraid of making mistakes or “getting it wrong” won’t try things, won’t venture out and grow. They will be adverse to learning, to trying new things, to trying challenging things. Their growth will be stunted as they attempt to stay in their safe world.
If you realize that you have indeed made a big deal about their various mistakes, then the first step to remedying that is to confess this to your child and apologize. Something along the lines of: “I realize that I have reacted badly to you when you make mistakes. That was wrong of me; I am very sorry. I make mistakes; everyone makes mistakes. Mistakes are actually opportunities to learn and grow. And it’s okay to make mistakes. If I ever react badly because you made a mistake, you have my permission to remind me that I said that mistakes are an opportunity to learn.”
When your children make mistakes and start beating themselves up for it, be quick to tell them that it’s okay. You can sympathize with how they feel (disappointed, frustrated, like they wasted their time, etc.), but try to move them onto the positive: “It’s only a mistake. How can you fix it?” or “What can you learn from this?” “Do you want to try another way (or another day”)?
Some of us repeat the same mistakes over and over again, but hopefully we eventually learn.
As homeschooling parents, we can get frustrated with our children if they aren’t “getting” something that we are trying to teach them. Just back up and try another approach and/or another day. Don’t communicate your frustration to them, rather be alert for their frustration and assure them that it’s okay. We’ll try a different way.
This applies not only to their education, but to anything they do. No one wants to make mistakes, but it’s not the end of the world, and we can really learn from the mistakes. And yet our children often repeat the same mistakes, and so do we. Some personal examples: I take my phone around with me to different rooms, and then leave it somewhere and can’t find it. Solutions? Maybe I shouldn’t take my phone, but always leave it in the same place. Or have a designated spot in each room where I put my phone when I enter the room. Any other ideas? I welcome help. Another thing I noticed myself doing: I take my gloves off in the car when I am driving and lay them on my lap. Then I forget that they are there and just leave the car, with my gloves falling on the ground. I did this recently and didn’t notice until I came back to the car and found a glove on the ground. I thought I lost the other one until I found it in the cup holder. So I thought to myself (after beating myself up mentally), “I won’t put my gloves in my lap again, so that this doesn’t happen.” But the other day I automatically did it again, and they dropped to the ground when I got out of the car. Happily I noticed immediately and picked them up. How do I not make this same mistake? How do I not automatically do what comes naturally to me – i.e. putting my gloves on my lap? I don’t have any solutions yet – I will try to be mindful of this, but I won’t beat myself up for doing it, which is right. And I also shouldn’t figuratively beat up my children for their repeated mistakes.
If you have made the mistake of beating yourself up for your mistakes, or beating your child up (figuratively) for their mistakes, decide now to stop. Realize that imperfection is human, mistakes are learning and growing opportunities. So learn and grow and bless your child(ren) to do so!
